Heres a new little experiment since I've been so thoroughly dry of any inspiration im just going to bang up some drivel whenever my tempers run amok.
But its a pointless endeavor since the act of focusing and typing instantly make me forget the tumultuous feeling that let me to the blank page in the first place........ so wheres the rant?
Lets try the pointlessness of it all.... when it comes to life in general I've sort of been a private realist, I mite go along with my friends fanciful ideas for business ventures or escape routes, I even spend a ridiculously large amount of time immersed in my own little fantasy's to take the edge off inhabiting this cruel world but when it comes down to it I'm quite aware of the inevitable shit that lies in store for me. Hell life's shitty! even the most fortunate have shitty bits , this isnt a is the glass half empty or half full sort of debate, life gets shitty so what do you do when the good bits never really drown out the bad?
People are afraid of death......... Well atleast most people are, its normal and probably the most useful trait we have, if you care about the continued existence of the human race. After all where would we be if early man while stretching out his back muscles and trying to get the hang of the whole two legs only mode of transportation looked around, and while noticing his world was full of scary things that were out to eat him not to mention lots and lots of shit realized that there wasn't much point to any of this and jumped into the first compliant lions mouth..... whats a little bit of pain and suffering now that will be over in a few minutes compared to a lifetime of toiling and disappointment?
Its really a testament to genetics that there aren't more suicidal people out there ( and i mean the real suicidal ones not just the disparate plea for attention types). Or is it evolution? because obviously killing yourself does get in the way of procreation and carrying on you genetic material so the suicidal gene would have gotten pushed out in favor of the hopeless romantic, delusional dreamer or constant hope genes.
Well the fact that I can even contemplate such topics without discomfort means that something in my genes got tweaked the wrong way. It must be a rare mixture of realism and laziness with a sprinkling of selfishness that did it. For as long as I can remember I've held the view that non existence or death would be a preferred fate (this is quite impressive for a 12 year old I think since that's as far back as I can recall of having any thoughts of my existence).
I don't believe that I was depressed since I wasn't showing any of the symptoms of depression I just realistically looked at my life and I simply didn't see anything that would make the general shittynes of life worth enduring. To be specific -
I have no passions (I think this was addressed sometime before) and I dont seem to posses any remarkable skills.
I have no feeling of endearment towards children so I cannot imagine producing ones of my own, if I could have my self sterilized this very minute I wouldn't think twice.
I hold no delusions when it comes to the concept of 'love' and relationships which like life requires ALOT of work for relatively small rewards., so no I don't buy in to the Hollywood driven idea that finding the one will make everything wonderful.
and finally I really dont have much regard when it comes to the sanctity of human life at least not relative to other life since there's far to many of us populating the world and it would be a much better place if there wasn't so many humans around fucking it up.
It's quite a pain this mindset, I tend to tune it out with a near constant hum of distractions and I envy the people who never think of such things. But am I alone? Surely every one isn't going on simply in the hope that something will come along to makes it worth while, but then there's evidence in all the self help books, match maker sites, fertility treatments, fantasy industry and the general human habit of continuously searching for a meaning to it all (even though nothing seems to have been found yet) that suggest that people are doing exactly that.
So I guess all the lies and fuckery you all do unto your selves is very much a good thing, cause if you don't realize there's a problem then there's no real problem.
but don't worry I know that this little rant isn't going to spoil things for you since its something you've either always had or you don't, it cant be instilled or impressed on to you by anyone so your safe!
And what keeps me alive? I guess its pure habit and maybe curiosity, I mean the old fail safes still work I will reflexively avoid danger . And I must be slightly masochistic I allways want to see how much more shity things can get.